Many of us can think back with fondness to our early years at Ave and the excellent examples of scholarly debate to which students were treated. Remember the Strang vs. Bromberg debates on constitutional interpretation? How about Pucillo’s very popular talk on each year’s Supreme Court docket? Ahh, those were the days when students could truly be educated AND well-informed on current legal issues. Well, as the Dean has informed us, “…those professors have been nothing but affirmatively injurious, and as such have turned their backs on the school because they’re nothing more than no-good traitors who deserve whatever fate Tom decides to throw down upon them.” When asked about future scholarly debates such as those we’ve seen in the past, the Dean replied, “Well, I’ve never heard of these people you mentioned, and I certainly don’t recall any such debates or presentations, but rest assured, we’ve got some wonderful programs in store for the Fall!”

And sure enough, the agents of the Real Transition Team were lucky enough to locate the Dean’s agenda for upcoming talks and debates for the Fall; we’ll certainly be the first in line for these:

“Chinese Food vs. Pizza Delivery”

This riveting debate will feature the manager of Dynasty Chinese Food up against the manager of the nearest Domino’s Pizza franchise. These sage individuals will grapple over the best methodology for keeping food warm while in en route to the customer’s home, the “30 minutes or it’s free” farce, and the longstanding question of whether only Communists eat Chinese food. We have asked both managers to be sure and discuss the originalist vs. evolutive theories during their talks, which were met with an unusual blank stare. If all else fails, they've promised to wrestle. [Domino’s and fortune cookies will be served.]

“The Fall Docket of Reality Television”

With the new fall schedule of television programming coming up, it is imperative that Ave students choose their programming with all of the information possibly available. A special guest speaker (note: Can we get special speaker? Sorority sister, etc.? –BD) will outline all of the season’s most popular programming, including, “So You Think You Can Dance?” “So You Think You Can Eat?” “So You Think You Can Franchise a School?” and “So You Think You Can Build Another Jonestown?” As they say in the biz, “Stay tuned!” [Chips and Kool-Aid will be served.]

“Wonder Bread: The Misunderstood Foodstuff”

Racism is overly prevalent in today’s society. From blogs to network news, sophisticated readers and law students can pull a racist thought out of anything. Such is the case with Wonder Bread. Our special guest, The Reverend Al Sharpton, will come to speak on the vileness of white bread. The vile, racist, trash that is white bread. Why doesn’t Wonder Bread make black bread? Why? The Reverend will tell you why: Pure, simple racism. [No bread will be served during this event. Maybe whine and cheese? Er, wine.]

How exciting? We can hardly wait to see what’s next!

s/OZA