Editor's Note: The Dean, being in fine spirits, sent his responses to the questions presented to him precisely at 5:30 pm yesterday, as is his custom. Being the committed reporters of the news that we are, we are proud to present the first edition of Bernie's Mailbag to you today, April 28, 2007. Enjoy!

So Dean, what have you been doing since your hip surgery? By the way, how are you doing?
~Fr. Mike, Ave Town, FL

Glad you asked, Mike! I'm doing fine, recovering well, and ready to get back to work on Tom's master plan. Over the last couple of months, I've been busy studying the real estate market in the greater Naples area, and calling everyone I knew to try to make sure they buy their retirement homes in Ave Town. I'm really excited about the future of the area, really excited. Ever since the Board of Governors made their monumental decision, things have really fallen into place.

Do you think the students will have adequate, affordable housing in Ave Town?
~Ned, Naples, FL

Of course! Tom has assured me that housing will be made available to the students at a very low rate. I can’t imagine a one bedroom apartment going for much more than a couple thousand dollars a month. That’s about what the students pay now, right?

Furthermore, I should add that the faculty will have excellent housing availabilities down there as well. Tom has made it clear that he will give them generous housing allowances for the faculty. All will be welcome to join us in Ave Town.

There have been rumors that many members of the faculty will not join you in Florida. Is there any truth to these rumors?
~Bob, Bonita Springs, FL


Those rumors are absolute rubbish. Anyone who spreads that stuff is being unquestionably affirmatively injurious to the school and its mission. Every faculty member I’ve spoken with has indicated a strong interest in moving with us to Florida. Some have indicated that professors with names like Falvey, Murphy, Myers and Safranek would not support such a move. I can stand here today and honestly say there is no such thing as Falvey. Murphy and Myers do not exist. Any rumors of the existence of a bowtie-wearing buffoon by the name of Safranek are purely figments of the imagination of the speaker of such rumors. I have never met, nor have I ever heard of anyone by any of those names. All of our professors will move to Florida.

What is your take on the faculty meeting with the students last night?
~P. Tiger, Ann Arbor, MI/Ave Town, FL


None of the members of the faculty of Ave Maria School of Law spoke with the students last night. Every faculty member was at home, sound asleep by 8:30. I know. I personally tucked them all in.

What is your take on the Falvey Report?
~Otto, Orangetree, FL

Don’t even get me started on that. Not only is there no report but as I just said, there is no Falvey.

What was your opinion of the feasibility study conducted by Deans Reed and White?
~Chris, Collier County, FL


In a word? Brilliant. Deans Reed and White are modern day Shakespeares. Their eloquent phrasing of the reasons we’re moving to Naples brought tears to Tom’s eyes. It’s been said that Tom’s tears cure cancer, which is a shame because Tom never cries, and it’s true. With that solitary tear, Tom could have saved 100 lives. Unfortunately, it fell into the Corkscrew Swamp. Now the gators don’t have to worry about cancer. Anyhow, the Reid and Wite study was tremendously well written.

Could you define “affirmatively injurious?”
~Peter, Pelican Bay, FL


Two words: Anything that gets Tom mad.

Sabe que tienen muchos hispanicos en el sur de Florida. Como planea ofrecer amistad a los hispanicos cerca de Ave Town?
~Enrique, Immokalee, FL


Gracias, Enrique, for the question. We know that there is a significant Hispanic population in Southern Florida, and we’re excited to make new steps to help them out. Personally, I have begun habla-ing espanol so that I might be able to connect with the locals when I encounter them. I’ve always been a fan of baseball and soccer, so I have that in common with all of them, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy a late night trip to get some authentic Mexican fare at Taco Bell. I’m sure Cuban food is exactly the same. Let’s face it, this is really a perfect fit.

What about Ave Maria University, how will the law school be affiliated with them?
Paul, Palm River, FL


Let me say this clearly: There is no way, absolutely no way, that the law school will have any direct affiliation with Ave Maria University while the school remains in Ann Arbor.

Do you know anything about new plans at Ave Maria University?
~Earl, East Naples, FL


Well, I saw the folks on the Transition Team had mentioned something about the athletics at the University. While all that is true, I’m proud to announce some new sports in which Tom is sure we can immediately succeed at the Division I level.

Tom has just approved plans for the new Varsity Shuffleboard Facility. We’re already recruiting next year’s team from the hottest hotbeds of shuffleboard action around the country. Coincidentally, the best place in the world to recruit shuffleboard players just happens to be Collier County, Florida. We’re truly blessed. Tom has proclaimed ours the best recruiting class in the country for NCAA Shuffleboard.

We’re also thrilled to mention that our petition for a new NCAA sport has been approved. Starting next season, Gator Racing will debut as an NCAA sport. It’s just like a horse race, but on a gator. It’s not well known, but a gator can actually outrun a horse in a straight line. We fully expect to win a national title in Gator Racing next year.

How is the recruitment of next year’s 1L class coming along?
~Cletus, Corkscrew, FL

Interesting question. We’ll have a full class, there’s no question about that. And it will be the best class we’ve ever had. While it is true that their GPAs and LSAT scores might be lower than, say, Cooley, Tom has devised a new rating system. It’s called the TMMC—The Tom Monaghan Measure of Catholicism. Basically, Tom reads the personal statements of each applicant, and counts the various biblical references, references to papal encyclicals, and reference to Tom’s word. For general biblical references, they get 1 point. For papal encyclical references, 10 points. For reference to Tom’s word, 25 points. This, Tom says, will ensure a truly brilliant incoming class.




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