New Emphasis in Athletics at Ave Maria





In a press conference today, Chancellor, President, Chairman, Athletic Director, Head Trainer, Master of the Buckhounds, and Spiritual Advisor Tom Monaghan announced a new commitment to athletic excellence at Ave Maria, starting with the football program. "We expect to compete for a national championship now, not ten years down the road," Monaghan said.

Monaghan outlined specific details of the plans for the football program's development. Still angry with magician David Copperfield over the displacement of the giant Jesus statue, Monaghan hired rival magician David Blaine to procure a stadium for the new team.

In a related story from South Bend, Indiana, Notre Dame fans were stunned at the disappearance of their beloved Notre Dame Stadium from the scenic campus.





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"We're thrilled that our stadium is already completed, and we're excited to get on the field against the best competition in college football, although they won't really be competition for our boys," Monaghan said. Monaghan went on to say that Ave Maria would have games against defending national champion Florida, Florida State, Miami, USC, Nebraska, Texas, Louisville, Tennessee, Wisconsin, Georgia, Virginia Tech, and Notre Dame. The game with Notre Dame will close the season, and is expected to become quite a rivalry. "That will be our toughest game," Monaghan remarked, "we may only win by 7 or 8 touchdowns."
Ave Maria's new helmets were unveiled at the press conference today (pictured below), and Monaghan announced the new school fight song.




Rumors abound regarding coaching prospects for Ave Maria. Monaghan remains tight-lipped, but assures that he is looking at top tier coaching candidates. While the list remains a closely guarded secret, the top candidates would seem to include a crazy old man, a mustachioed one, a native Floridian , one basketball coach, and not one, but two minority candidates. Experts, however, maintain that, despite such a deep and talented pool of candidates, only one man is big enough for the job...

1 Comment:

  1. Anonymous said...
    This is not that far off from TM's original announcement about AMU's athletics.

    Oh, for the sake of completeness, you forgot "Nutbar-Emperor-in-Residence" in his title line.

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