Holy Roller Casino To Open in Collier County

In a press release this morning, Chief Iwonabuck of the Collier County Tribe of Seminole Indians announced the construction of a new religious-themed casino just outside of Ave Maria Town. "We're very excited to begin this project," said Iwonabuck, "with the religious rebirth of the Greater Naples area, along with the popularity of gambling among retired persons, we think there will be great interest in the Holy Roller."

Construction on the project is expected to be completed by Spring, 2008, and when completed, will look something like the model shown below.




Once inside, guests will be treated to a fully religious experience. From the poker chips (replicas of communion wafers) to the Blazing 666s slot machines (below),





to the Confessional just off the main casino floor (below), the Seminole tribe has vowed that no detail will be missed.









Although Supreme Overlord Tom Monaghan and Chief Yes-Man and Dean Bernie Dobranski were unavailable for comment due to complications with the ABA investigation, Associate Dean Milhizer claimed that "the infidel swines will not succeed in their efforts to thwart our Lord's master plan. Are you going to eat that last donut?"


In spite of the protests of Ave Maria officials, Chief Iwonabuck is already planning for the rush from nearby retirement communities. "We've bought extra oxygen tanks and everything, " he said. "And the retirement communities are already planning shuttles for every 10 minutes. We're just ecstatic."

The Holy Roller will also feature a song and dance show with an Inquisition theme. Shows are already sold out through 2015, but Iwonabuck insists that aggressive play at the tables will result in comps, including the highly sought after tickets.


So make your plans, Florida residents, because the Holy Roller is headed your way!

4 Comments:

  1. Anonymous said...
    Alright! Finally someone else posts besides me. Considering the Town istelf is one big gamble, the Holy Roller should be a great addition.
    Anonymous said...
    at least you didn't call 'em 'injuns' or 'redskins'
    The Real Transition Team said...
    Man, I really dropped the ball on that one!
    Anonymous said...
    i found you guys via fumare's blogroll. brilliant! keep up the good work

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