AMSOL Real Transition Team

Job Interview of Ave Maria Student, Fall 2008

2007-11-25T19:30:00.000-05:00

"I see you went to Ave Maria. Didn't they finish last on the Bar Exam again?"

"Yes, but we're moving to a beautiful new building on the beach in Naples, Florida. I'm sure our bar pass rate will improve once the students aren't distracted by pornography and sin like they are here in filthy Michigan."

"Hum, yes. I guess. Well...Let's see... I see you took Canon Law?"

"Yeah. It was great. The professor taught us why Catholics are superior to everyone else. At least REAL Catholics--you know, virgins."

"I see. Well. ah, did you take any classes that might be more relevant to our practice here. What about Appellate Practice?

"No. One of the evil professors taught that class. Anyone who took it was a sinner. They had to cancel it."

"Federal Courts?

"No. Evil."

"Conflicts of Law?"

"No."

"Sales?"

"Oh dear God, no! That course is very evil.

"So, none of these courses were offered?

"None of them. All evil."

"I see. Hum... Well, Could you tell me what you learned in the class on Catholic Social Thought...."

"We learned that women are like raw meat. Fat people are lazy and useless How to 'preserve' evidence on a hard drive. And why some young boys are just asking for it. It was a great class,"

"Thank you! We'll get back to you very soon."

An In-Depth Look at Hamiltonian Philosophy

2007-11-13T20:52:00.000-05:00

As many of our good readers (and a few not-so-good ones) know, the Real Transition Team recently interviewed the prestigious Senator Hamilton of Ave Maria School of Law. Due to the success of this groundbreaking behind-the-scenes look at the more personal aspects of the Senator's viewpoints in our previous post, we now take you to the newly minted, recently published, hot-off-the-press "Compendium of Hamiltonian Thought" which will soon be available for purchase from a quality retailer near you. Written by your very own RTT, the book proudly describes itself as including "all of the positve, insightful, thought-provoking and intellectually rounded material we could find." This fine tome will include praise for some of Hamilton's most insightful material, as well as an shocking inside look at his own fascinating biography. The appendix includes a number of the Senator's most memorable quotes, including one that has been hailed by critics as "downright intelligent."

For ease of reading, we have edited out the irrelevant portions and enclose for you the book in it's entirety. Remember, you saw it here first, folks!

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"How to date conservative chicks and avoid liberal chicks” from Senator Scott Hamilton

2007-10-31T14:30:00.000-04:00

Let me first personally thank the good Senator for his contribution. We are happy to have any and all of his input here at The Real Transition Team.

The Senator speaks so well for himself and for the future of Ave- I won't belabor this intro any longer, so that our loyal readers can dive into the brilliance!

How to date conservative chicks and avoide liberil chicks from Senator Scott Hamiltin

I ussually start out with something like “listen tooots, without me you are like Geoge Bush without Karl Rove” generally, that ones a winner. I can usually get a hot chick back to my hous and bakeing cookies within 20 minutes after dropping that line. But you know, not all chick are the same. Some chickes like when I smooth talk them and drop my credientiaels on them, which es pretty sweet because that gives me time to figure out whether shes a liberal or not. Liberal chick are generally never hot, but you never know, even I’ve been known to make mistakes. I hate when they come chasing after me though when I dump them. They’re all like “Oh come back! I’ll change!!” And generally this is just a ploy for them to get to see the kitchen at my place. Sure, they’l denie it, but the only real place for a chick is in the kitchen, which is WHY I”LL FIGHT FOR THE CONSERVITIVE CAUSE TIL THE DAY I DIE: to get bitches in the kitchen. What more wurthy cause could you fight for? I have it on good authority that the MP’s in Ave Town (moreal polise) will be writing tickets for women who leave the house for any reasons save for picking up the kids, or gettin growceries. Fines can be pretty steep- and it keeps the chick in orders. Anyway, back to the discussion ats hand. In the unlikely event that you meet a chick (even a hot one) who isn’t conservative at Ave, I always carry the proper forms to get her switched over to the Republicin party. ONLY HOT CHICK ARE REPUBLICIN. I once got a Demacrat chick that was like a “6” to change parties, and she immediately became like a 10. Heck, I’d say 11, because made oatmeal cookies with my mom’s recipie that night. What a chick.

Next topic: where are you going to find the right conservative hot chick? Ave of course! ONLY HOT CHICKS GO TO AVE, BUT THE COMPATITION IS FEERCE. I’ve always wondered why there isn’t too many chicks at Ave, and have settled on Women’s Lib. Look at it this way, when they get on their knees and their skirt isn’t the right length, she’s probabli poseing as a hot conservative chick, but will be a turncote the moment you bring her take her back to yur pad to make cookies. She’d be better off at U of M or something. Only hot chicks pass the TSM test. As for the competition: when I’m faced with other dudes that are eyeing up the chick I want, I just say it like it is “I’M SENATOR HAMILTON BITCH!!” they read my blog and forget all about the other dude. I mean, sure, many of those guys are my buds and all, but scopeing out babes is bussnies.

So where are you gonna to go with your hot conservativ chick? I kind of answred this one, but I wanted to see if you’re paying attention. Hot canservative chicks only want to be in the kitchen, or perhaps the laundree room. I dig the kitchen first (becuze being a senater makes me hungry), then the laundry room (I often soyil my pants) . If she’s really hot, she’ll vacum too. Most chicks want nothing more than to feel secure with thier man. I generally assure them with something like “YOUR THE ONLY CHICK FOR ME, BABE!” This one makes them all swooney. But it’s far from over here! The right chick for Senator Hamilton is a pretty tough standard. She has to make my lunch and starch my tighty-whiteys . She’s also gonna have to help me move all my stuff to flarida when the time comes. No doubt she’s gonna dig spending her time with the “Ham

But don’t you other Ave dudes try and put my game against me. I’ll win, because no one tries to get Hamilton’s hot chicks… Or it’s fisticuffs!

/s/ Cap'n Crunch

Interview with Kate O'Beirne

2007-09-14T16:13:00.000-04:00

Kate O'Beirne, pictured with two of her interns and prospective students for the incoming class of 2011 will be available to address recent criticism of the administration and board of AMSOL. The Real Transition Team has been given a brief interview with O’Beirne in order to get her opinion on these issues in a more private audience.

After being sworn in (actually, a rather painless process that only leaves the oath taker with a lasting hatred for bowties, ABA regulations, and faculty resolutions) we were able to get right down to brass tacks.

RTT: “a number of prominent professors have recently published their disapproval of the administration of AMSOL on Mirror of Justice. What is your take on this?”

O’Beirne: “HUMPF!!...Exactly how do you define prominent?! Anyone can publish on the internet! Try being a TV star like me…MMFH!! Besides which, I have it on good word that neither the professors, nor MOJ actually exist. Look at the link Bernie gave me. See? it's all lie, and I can't wait to tell the students that. MMFH!!"

RTT: “um, yea. Ok. So, what is your take on the suspension and possible termination of Professor Safranek?”

O’Beirne: “FRMMMM!! OOH!!! That man! Let me tell you. I had to swing by to see my Bernie one day. I was all tootled up in a fine evening gown and that bowtie wearing sicko had the nerve to come over and wish me a good evening!! Ooh the nerve! I hope he gets what he deserves!”

RTT: “Ok, while we’re on the subject. I’m sure the students will be asking about Lyons and Pucillo being denied tenure. Do you feel the Dean was justified?”

O’Beirne: “HUMPH!!! of course. Those two clowns did nothing but deter the students from their work with that look at me I’m a Mr. Niceguy stuff. What right does a professor have to talk to students outside of the classroom unless they are telling them to work harder on research?! OOOOHHH! And that Pucillo with his clerkship talk. Big deal! I work for the National Review, I know people! I’m important! All of these professors are easily replaceable. We have a new team of clerkship advisors that know the courts as well as Pucillo ever did!"

RTT: “So you feel that the school continues to move in the right direction?”

O’Beirne: “of course, you silly fool! And our new campus will have plenty of mud for me to wallow in. Uhh…. I mean there will be plenty of professors that follow the school down to Ave Town. It’ll be great, Bernie’s in the process of picking out a new southern wardrobe, and is excited that his hip will be feeling better in the warmer weather.”

RTT: “plenty of professors will be moving with the school you say. Do you have an exact number?”

O’Beirne: “well, it depends on how many stay still enough for retrofitting .

RTT: “ahh yes, we’ve heard of this retrofitting. Well, I hate to belabor you any longer with these trivial questions. We have students to transition! Thank you for your time”

/s/ Cap'n Crunch

The Fall Line-Up

2007-09-12T11:36:00.000-04:00

Many of us can think back with fondness to our early years at Ave and the excellent examples of scholarly debate to which students were treated. Remember the Strang vs. Bromberg debates on constitutional interpretation? How about Pucillo’s very popular talk on each year’s Supreme Court docket? Ahh, those were the days when students could truly be educated AND well-informed on current legal issues. Well, as the Dean has informed us, “…those professors have been nothing but affirmatively injurious, and as such have turned their backs on the school because they’re nothing more than no-good traitors who deserve whatever fate Tom decides to throw down upon them.” When asked about future scholarly debates such as those we’ve seen in the past, the Dean replied, “Well, I’ve never heard of these people you mentioned, and I certainly don’t recall any such debates or presentations, but rest assured, we’ve got some wonderful programs in store for the Fall!”

And sure enough, the agents of the Real Transition Team were lucky enough to locate the Dean’s agenda for upcoming talks and debates for the Fall; we’ll certainly be the first in line for these:

“Chinese Food vs. Pizza Delivery”

This riveting debate will feature the manager of Dynasty Chinese Food up against the manager of the nearest Domino’s Pizza franchise. These sage individuals will grapple over the best methodology for keeping food warm while in en route to the customer’s home, the “30 minutes or it’s free” farce, and the longstanding question of whether only Communists eat Chinese food. We have asked both managers to be sure and discuss the originalist vs. evolutive theories during their talks, which were met with an unusual blank stare. If all else fails, they've promised to wrestle. [Domino’s and fortune cookies will be served.]

“The Fall Docket of Reality Television”

With the new fall schedule of television programming coming up, it is imperative that Ave students choose their programming with all of the information possibly available. A special guest speaker (note: Can we get special speaker? Sorority sister, etc.? –BD) will outline all of the season’s most popular programming, including, “So You Think You Can Dance?” “So You Think You Can Eat?” “So You Think You Can Franchise a School?” and “So You Think You Can Build Another Jonestown?” As they say in the biz, “Stay tuned!” [Chips and Kool-Aid will be served.]

“Wonder Bread: The Misunderstood Foodstuff”

Racism is overly prevalent in today’s society. From blogs to network news, sophisticated readers and law students can pull a racist thought out of anything. Such is the case with Wonder Bread. Our special guest, The Reverend Al Sharpton, will come to speak on the vileness of white bread. The vile, racist, trash that is white bread. Why doesn’t Wonder Bread make black bread? Why? The Reverend will tell you why: Pure, simple racism. [No bread will be served during this event. Maybe whine and cheese? Er, wine.]

How exciting? We can hardly wait to see what’s next!

s/OZA

The Real Transition Team: Superhuman, but not Divine

2007-09-12T02:34:00.000-04:00

In the year of Our Lord 2006 The Real Transition Team was formed amongst a loose group of persons hoping to spread the spirit of transition to as many readers as possible. That journey has not been without incident. Having made use of AMSoL communication technology, sending and receiving communications from Domino One has often proved difficult. We are thorougly convinced however that the new Moraltech ™ technology will allow for greater information gathering and dispersal.

Posts have been lost. We realize that these posts have been lost to the gaping hole of internet obscurity, and as well, our posters solemnly swear to increase their self-flagellation in accordance with their Ave-fessions. But rest assured, dear readership, that we remain ever faithful to our founder, funder, and architect's decree: "who farted?".

Now that a majority of the gas has cleared, OZA has taken a large amount of beano, and having taken into account the concerns of his fellow members in the super secret society known as the Real Transition Team, we are moving forward.

New Transition Tees Availible

2007-09-07T04:45:00.000-04:00

The Real Transition Team can nos provide you with the opportunity to support Transition in a snazzy new way. Show those dissidents what you think of their terrorist message with the comfort of 100% cotton, and say, "Hey, I like doing what's comfortable!"

MoralTech Department scheduled to open soon

2007-08-29T00:51:00.001-04:00

Father Orsi, standing next to the Moraltech mainframe is buzzing with excitement about the grand opening of the Moraltech (MT) department at Ave Maria university in Florida “This is where theology meets technology! We can now go one step beyond a mere absolution and erase any potential evidence that the moral infraction ever occurred”

It is a wonder indeed, and we at the Real Transition Team expect long lines at the confessional/data alteration unit. Some students have already begun to call the process an Ave-fession. The new MT department will be starting up soon, and is in the process of hiring a full-time staff to handle whatever deletion needs they are faced with.

Ave-fession. Like it never even happened.

/s/ Cap'n Crunch

1L student gets private audience with Tom Monaghan

2007-08-29T00:35:00.000-04:00

“It was like WHOOA!!!” said Elroy Hogwaller a wide-eyed 1L explaining his experience after being given the unique opportunity to have a private audience with Tom Monaghan.

Before starting their first year, Monaghan likes to visit with one student- to get a good read on the incoming class.

This particular student, Along with receiving a full scholarship, car, parking pass, free rent, and a contract for deed in Imokalee, was shown one of Tom’s many secret powers in this private audience.

Hogwaller, a graduate of southwestern coastal college of wood, storm doors, and shiny things, with a degree in incest prevention expressed nothing but gratitude after the 3 minute meeting. “Ave is the best! All those other law schools with their book-learnin’ smartypants stuff about job placement and stability are just load horseflop. I can’t wait to get learnin’ and spread the word!”

Elroy (shown with his, um, relative) is but a sampling of the fine incoming class chose to go to Ave after turning down an offer for admission at Whittier law school. “I’m not going to go to a school with such a high attrition rate! At least Ave can keep it’s students, I mean, hardly anyone leaves here, think of all all the free pizza! Oh, and the moraltech support… I get confessions and deletions in 30 minutes or less. Beat that!”

/s/ Cap'n Crunch

Monaghan Announces New Mascot Contest!

2007-08-22T17:55:00.000-04:00

This morning, at 6:42 eastern time, Tom Monaghan, King of the Corkscrew, announced a contest that is sure to be a hit with believers and dissidents alike. Mr. Monaghan wants you to provide the new mascot for the Ave Maria Gyrenes, both in image and in name. Please forward your suggestions to amsoltransitionteam@gmail.com, and we'll post the winner and other transition-minded submissions in the near future.

Monaghan has "just the trick" for Affirmative Injury

2007-08-16T21:24:00.000-04:00

With college football season right around the corner, and affirmative injury to the Mission of the School at an all-time high, the benevolent and far-seeing Monaghan has seen fit to decree that Ave Maria University in Ave Maria Town, Florida—the Biggest Little Catholic Stronghold in America—in its continuing effort to be the best in everything, including intercollegiate athletics, will have no fewer than SIX fight songs, where most schools only have one or two. "This ought to do just the trick," quipped Monaghan. "Who can be angry when a fight song is playing?"

Additionally, Mr. Monaghan, with his divine foresight, has decided to appropriate these songs from six of the most successful and well-loved schools in the country, under the belief that such an action will undoubtedly take the wind out of the sails of these ruffians in the upcoming season.

So, without further adieu, the lyrics of the new Ave fight songs (preceded by the old, outdated lyrics with links to their former bands playing the songs for your listening pleasure.

Notre Dame
Notre Dame Victory March

Rally sons of Notre Dame,

Sing her glory, and sound her fame

Raise her Gold and Blue,

And cheer with voices true,

Rah! Rah! For Notre Dame.

We will fight in every game

Strong of heart and true to her name.

We will ne'er forget her

And we'll cheer her ever,

Loyal to Notre Dame.

Cheer, cheer for Old Notre Dame

Wake up the echoes cheering her name,

Send the volley cheer on high,

Shake down the thunder from the sky,

What though the odds be great or small

Old Notre Dame will win over all,

While her loyal sons are marching

Onward to Victory.

Ave Town Victory Song

Followers of Monaghan
Come to Ave, come get a tan!
With a hearty crew
We’ll cheer with voices true,
Rah! Rah! For Ave U

We will do what Tom decrees
Weak of mind and strong in the knees!
We’ll ask questions never
Dissidents we’ll sever
Loyal to Ave U

Cheer, cheer for Tom Monaghan
Get him a beer and call him the man
Buy a place in Ave Town
Sip on some Kool-Aid, you’ll never frown!
Be there dissenters, many or few
Ol’ Monaghan will take care of you!
While his loyal pawns are marching
Onward to Victory!

Ohio State

"Across the Field"

Fight the team across the field

Show them Ohio's here,

Set the earth reverberating

With a mighty cheer, Rah! Rah! Rah!

Hit them hard and see how they fall,

Never let that team get the ball,

Hail, hail, the gang's all here,

So let's win that old conference now.

Across the Country

Take the road to Ave Town
And Monaghan revere
He is such a brilliant man
That we should stand and cheer,
Rah! Rah! Rah!
Deep dish, thin crust, he has it all,
And for just a toll-free phone call!
Hail, hail, it’s Domino’s
That’ll pay for the Ave Town.

Fight On
USC

Fight On for ol' SC

Our men Fight On to victory

Our Alma Mater dear,looks up to you

Fight On and win

For ol' SC

Fight On to victory

Fight On!

Fight On

Fight On for Monaghan
The minions trust his Master Plan
Now tenure’s out of here!
We trust in you
Fight on and win
For Ave U
Fight on, there’s much to do
Fight On!

Michigan
The Victors

Hail! to the victors valiant
Hail! to the conqu'ring heroes
Hail! Hail! to Michigan
the leaders and best

Hail! to the victors valiant
Hail! to the conqu'ring heroes
Hail! Hail! to Michigan,
the champions of the West!

The Minions

Hail! To the loyal minions
Hell with the damned dissenters
Hail! Hail! To Monaghan
The leader and best

Hail! to the loyal minions
Hell! with the damned dissenters
Hail! Hail! To Monaghan
The man dressed to impress!

Texas
The Eyes of Texas

The eyes of Texas are upon you,
All the live long day.
The eyes of Texas are upon you,
You cannot get away.
Do not think you can escape them,
At night, or early in the morn'.
The eyes of Texas are upon you,
'Till Gabriel blows his horn!

The Eyes of Monaghan

They eyes of Monaghan are on you
All the live long day.
The eyes of Monaghan are on you
You cannot get away
Do not think you can escape them
At night or early in the morn’
The eyes of Monaghan are on you
‘Till he discovers porn!

Texas A&M
Aggie War Hymn

Good bye to Texas University

So long to the orange and the white

Good luck to dear old Texas Aggies

They are the boys who show the real old fight

'the eyes of Texas are upon you'

That is the song they sing so well

Sounds Like Hell

So good bye to Texas University

We're gonna beat you all to Chigaroogarem

Chigaroogarem

Rough, Tough, Real stuff, Texas A&M

Ave Road Hymn

Goodbye to Ol’ Ann Arbor, Michigan
So long to culture, art and all of that
Good luck to Ave University
They are the boys who show some loyalty
Four seasons there to confront you
That is the life they love so well
Snows like Hell!
So goodbye to Ol’ Ann Arbor, Michigan
We’re gonna hit the swamp right near the Everglades
Near the Everglades
Rough, Tough, Real stuff, Tommy Monaghan

Steve Safranek "Bowtie Brigade" Recruiting Measure Meets With Mixed Response

2007-07-29T11:13:00.000-04:00

In response to recent AMSOL proceedings regarding controversial Professor Stephen Safrank, a grassroots movement, calling themselves, quite simply the "Steve Safranek Bowtie Brigade" has spung up. So far, this small but quickly growng movement has already recruited one member.

"Things are looking hopeful", says the self-proclaimed President of the Brigade. "By my calculations, we should have a vice president within the next week. From there, who knows? Anything is possible."

I'm not so sure about this, mused Mildred Finknottle of Ann Arbor's famed (but allegeldy mythical) "Finknottle Finance". "After all, who is this Safranek fellow, anyways?"

Meanwhile, actual students were more enthused. Some even suggested a companion drive involving the sale of those giant bowties - the ones too big to fit into a standard UPS envelope. Some of the more proactive members have suggested that proceeds be used to purchase property adjacent to AMSOL for the purposes of founding a new law school. Others remain skeptical. "I'm not so sure about that", one student dubiously noted, "after all, its not like this is going to meet the success of say, a worldwide pizza franchise."

Though Mr. Thomas Monaghan refused to comment on this, the Real Transition Team is confident that he would have agreed.

(Individuals interested in supporting the Bowtie Brigade are encouraged to contact them via the RTT's e-mail link on the right using "Bowtie Brigade" in the subject line).

Morale consultants help with transition

2007-06-27T21:06:00.000-04:00

The Real Transition Team continues to work tirelessly on behalf of the Executive Team of Ave Maria Town and associated institutions in order that the ranks of little people can share (as they are able) in the Vision of Our Founder, Supreme Chancellor Thomas S. Monaghan. Our expert techno-logists continue to stress that one crucial front in the battle for America's souls is the "blog-o-sphere" --- to be specific, the affirmatively injurious weblogs referenced by Dean Dobranski in his recent communique to the mutinous members of the Ave Maria School of Law Alumni Board (more to come on that soon).

To combat this this threat from the Devil himself, the Real Transition Team has hired a team of morale consultants for a reasonable fee that will be absorbed by student activity charges next year.

In light of certain affirmatively injurious news reports, the consultants have focused first on boosting morale at Ave Maria School of the Americas (affectionately refered to as "Ave Noreiga" by the Team). However, in the spirit of full and open communication, the Real Transition Team would like to share the consultants' efforts with the entire Ave Maria community:

Look for more inspiring work at an Ave institution near you!

Happy Father's Day

2007-06-14T22:23:00.000-04:00

A special message for everyone from the Real Transition Team.

Ave Maria Town Legal Aid Clinic Schedules Grand Opening

2007-06-07T02:10:00.000-04:00

We've done it again! The Real Transition Team is once again at the forefront of the foreswamp, brining you the latest from the Utopian paradise of Ave Maria Town, FL.

This time, we are happy to report that AMSOL has teamed up with our kind and gracious supporter to present the newest legal aid addition to Ave Town - the AMSOL Center For Law, Justice and All That Good Stuff.

"We're excited", said Dean Bernard Dobranski in an interview last week. "We couldn't have ever anticipated that such a prestigious local firm would so graciously lend us the resources to further such a noble pursuit. We are truly blessed."

AMSOL Administration anticipates that the CFLJATGS (as it is currently referred) will offer several clinics to incoming 1Ls in order to instill in them a true, humanitarian ethic.

Mark your calendars. The Grand Opening celebration is tenatively scheduled for August 2009.

/s/ Deus Ex

Aaron Keesler Appointed Assistant Dean of Academic Affairs

2007-06-05T13:51:00.001-04:00

The Transition Team is happy to report that Aaron Keesler, AMSOL '05, has been appointed to the newly-created position of Assistant Dean of Academic Affairs. Keesler, pictured above in an uncharacteristically cheerful mood, stated that he was delighted with the appointment, and our very own Dean Dobranski echoed the sentiment. "We are grateful to have the opportunity to work with Aaron and trash his reputation by associating with us," the Dean said in a statement. Details about the responsibilities of the new position are sketchy at the moment, but it is widely expected that the Assistant Dean's duties include: shamelessly sucking up to T$M, the Dean, and the Board of Governors, maintaining and replenishing "Mean" Gene Milhizer's secret cache of chocolate, punishing dissenting faculty members and students by making them spend five minutes talking to him, making sure Father Orsi stays on his meds, and creeping out the incoming 1L girls. We of the Transition Team wish Aaron all the best as he fulfills his new duties, and congratulate him on going from student to peon to Assistant Dean within a span of two years.

AMTV to Debut, Supplement Famed Radio Show

2007-06-04T21:40:00.000-04:00

Monaghan Productions is proud to announce the founding of Ave Maria Television, a 24 hour station dedicated to promoting the missions of Ave Maria Town, Ave Maria University, and Ave Maria School of Law. Stay tuned for official decrees as to the much anticipated fall schedule of shows, and be sure to check out a sneak peek at one of our shows, which is sure to be a hit!

New Director of Development Chosen

2007-05-29T07:44:00.000-04:00

Dean Bernard Dobranski today announced the appointment of a new Director of Development, one Grima Wormtongue, a new resident of Ann Arbor. The Dean stated that, "Grima represents the very best of AMSOL and its many virtues. He will lead us fearlessly to our new home in Florida, where we will thrive."

Grima, clearly pleased with his new position, was quoted as saying, "When has Tom Monaghan been anything but our friend?" When asked about the vile and evil bloggers that oppose the school's administration, he simply asked in response, "Why do you lay these troubles on a already troubled mind? Can you not see? The great Dobranski is wearied by your malcontent... your warmongering." We at the Real Transition Team will continue to monitor this new development.

New List of Banned Movies, Television Shows

2007-05-22T00:13:00.000-04:00

In the interest of transparency, the Real Transition Team is proud to announce the first 8 television shows and movies that will be banned from Ave Maria Town. Here's to a transition-filled summer!

Happy Cinco De Mayo!!!

2007-05-05T09:12:00.000-04:00

The Real Transition Team, along with Bernie, Tommy and Mikey, and the Board of Governors, join in wishing each and every one of our readers a Transition-filled Cinco de Mayo.

Stiffer Penalties Imposed for Ingratitude

2007-05-03T01:49:00.000-04:00

It has come to the attention of the Real Transition Team that members of AMSL faculty have met with the student body without prior notification given either to the dean or Tom Monaghan
This has been expressly forbidden, especially making use of the internets so graciously given to the school by Mr. Monaghan, Lord Chancellor, Founder, King, Ruler, Pizza Maker, Owner, CEO, Faculty termination consultant, and Catholic Theologian for the 21st century. The Real Transition Team, having obtained the full record of this transaction from the server, will make sure the involved faculty are urged to take a more pro transition stance in light of the lies that were spread at this particular "meeting"
"We're ready to take every step necessary" Said one unidentifiable member of the Administration, proudly wearing his execution garb and psyching up for the cleansing. "And if that means we have to shed a little blood, then so be it. We are already gearing up our replacement faculty, and the executions will all be off-site, and will occur after the exam period has ended. We don't want to intrude on our beloved students, especially our more transition-oriented ones."

/s/ Cap'n Crunch

Crocs Migrate to AMSOL - Residents Remain Skeptical

2007-04-28T20:43:00.000-04:00

The Real Transition Team has just recieved breaking news that AMSOL founder and fearless leader Thomas Monaghan plans to team up with the Colorado based shoemaker Crocs to offer a free pair of Crocs shoes to each incoming Ave South 1L. Reports indicate that this multi-million dollar deal is the first successful wide-scale advertising campaign to take place in Imokalee since McDonald's failed "spicy alligator wings" episode back in '89.

After extensive negotiations, Crocs will be offering 3 models of their popular spongy shoes to incoming students - the AMSOL logo, the Monaghan, and the Oratory. And yes, folks, they look just about as awesome as they sound.

"They're as comfortable as they are ugly", said Crocs rep Jared Christofersklolas. "And with the Florida humidity, you just can't beat 'em."

Meanwhile, some Imokalee residents claim that the shoes themselves are affirmatively injurious.

/s/ Deus Ex

Maybe Florida wasn't such a good idea...

2007-04-28T19:39:00.000-04:00

According to the National Weather Service's Catastrophic Storm Modeling Center, a direct strike by a Category 3 or higher storm on the greater Naples area would have a somewhat detrimental effect on the most righteous and holy Ave Maria town.

Posted by Pugnacious G

2007-04-28T11:56:00.000-04:00

Editor's Note: The Dean, being in fine spirits, sent his responses to the questions presented to him precisely at 5:30 pm yesterday, as is his custom. Being the committed reporters of the news that we are, we are proud to present the first edition of Bernie's Mailbag to you today, April 28, 2007. Enjoy!

So Dean, what have you been doing since your hip surgery? By the way, how are you doing?
~Fr. Mike, Ave Town, FL

Glad you asked, Mike! I'm doing fine, recovering well, and ready to get back to work on Tom's master plan. Over the last couple of months, I've been busy studying the real estate market in the greater Naples area, and calling everyone I knew to try to make sure they buy their retirement homes in Ave Town. I'm really excited about the future of the area, really excited. Ever since the Board of Governors made their monumental decision, things have really fallen into place.

Do you think the students will have adequate, affordable housing in Ave Town?
~Ned, Naples, FL

Of course! Tom has assured me that housing will be made available to the students at a very low rate. I can’t imagine a one bedroom apartment going for much more than a couple thousand dollars a month. That’s about what the students pay now, right?

Furthermore, I should add that the faculty will have excellent housing availabilities down there as well. Tom has made it clear that he will give them generous housing allowances for the faculty. All will be welcome to join us in Ave Town.

There have been rumors that many members of the faculty will not join you in Florida. Is there any truth to these rumors?
~Bob, Bonita Springs, FL

Those rumors are absolute rubbish. Anyone who spreads that stuff is being unquestionably affirmatively injurious to the school and its mission. Every faculty member I’ve spoken with has indicated a strong interest in moving with us to Florida. Some have indicated that professors with names like Falvey, Murphy, Myers and Safranek would not support such a move. I can stand here today and honestly say there is no such thing as Falvey. Murphy and Myers do not exist. Any rumors of the existence of a bowtie-wearing buffoon by the name of Safranek are purely figments of the imagination of the speaker of such rumors. I have never met, nor have I ever heard of anyone by any of those names. All of our professors will move to Florida.

What is your take on the faculty meeting with the students last night?
~P. Tiger, Ann Arbor, MI/Ave Town, FL

None of the members of the faculty of Ave Maria School of Law spoke with the students last night. Every faculty member was at home, sound asleep by 8:30. I know. I personally tucked them all in.

What is your take on the Falvey Report?
~Otto, Orangetree, FL

Don’t even get me started on that. Not only is there no report but as I just said, there is no Falvey.

What was your opinion of the feasibility study conducted by Deans Reed and White?
~Chris, Collier County, FL

In a word? Brilliant. Deans Reed and White are modern day Shakespeares. Their eloquent phrasing of the reasons we’re moving to Naples brought tears to Tom’s eyes. It’s been said that Tom’s tears cure cancer, which is a shame because Tom never cries, and it’s true. With that solitary tear, Tom could have saved 100 lives. Unfortunately, it fell into the Corkscrew Swamp. Now the gators don’t have to worry about cancer. Anyhow, the Reid and Wite study was tremendously well written.

Could you define “affirmatively injurious?”
~Peter, Pelican Bay, FL

Two words: Anything that gets Tom mad.

Sabe que tienen muchos hispanicos en el sur de Florida. Como planea ofrecer amistad a los hispanicos cerca de Ave Town?
~Enrique, Immokalee, FL

Gracias, Enrique, for the question. We know that there is a significant Hispanic population in Southern Florida, and we’re excited to make new steps to help them out. Personally, I have begun habla-ing espanol so that I might be able to connect with the locals when I encounter them. I’ve always been a fan of baseball and soccer, so I have that in common with all of them, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy a late night trip to get some authentic Mexican fare at Taco Bell. I’m sure Cuban food is exactly the same. Let’s face it, this is really a perfect fit.

What about Ave Maria University, how will the law school be affiliated with them?
Paul, Palm River, FL

Let me say this clearly: There is no way, absolutely no way, that the law school will have any direct affiliation with Ave Maria University while the school remains in Ann Arbor.

Do you know anything about new plans at Ave Maria University?
~Earl, East Naples, FL

Well, I saw the folks on the Transition Team had mentioned something about the athletics at the University. While all that is true, I’m proud to announce some new sports in which Tom is sure we can immediately succeed at the Division I level.

Tom has just approved plans for the new Varsity Shuffleboard Facility. We’re already recruiting next year’s team from the hottest hotbeds of shuffleboard action around the country. Coincidentally, the best place in the world to recruit shuffleboard players just happens to be Collier County, Florida. We’re truly blessed. Tom has proclaimed ours the best recruiting class in the country for NCAA Shuffleboard.

We’re also thrilled to mention that our petition for a new NCAA sport has been approved. Starting next season, Gator Racing will debut as an NCAA sport. It’s just like a horse race, but on a gator. It’s not well known, but a gator can actually outrun a horse in a straight line. We fully expect to win a national title in Gator Racing next year.

How is the recruitment of next year’s 1L class coming along?
~Cletus, Corkscrew, FL

Interesting question. We’ll have a full class, there’s no question about that. And it will be the best class we’ve ever had. While it is true that their GPAs and LSAT scores might be lower than, say, Cooley, Tom has devised a new rating system. It’s called the TMMC—The Tom Monaghan Measure of Catholicism. Basically, Tom reads the personal statements of each applicant, and counts the various biblical references, references to papal encyclicals, and reference to Tom’s word. For general biblical references, they get 1 point. For papal encyclical references, 10 points. For reference to Tom’s word, 25 points. This, Tom says, will ensure a truly brilliant incoming class.

Behold! The God-King Cometh!

2007-04-27T13:44:00.000-04:00

Yes, it is true, my holy and righteous bretheren. He has declared himself! He has come! Those who embrace him will be rewarded; those who oppose him shall be destroyed. Look on his works, ye mighty, and despair!

Posted by Pugnacious G

A Few Pre-Finals Inspirationals

2007-04-24T15:01:00.000-04:00

As finals approach, The Real Transition Team has compiled a few pre-finals motivational statements. Fortunately though, as this is Ave Maria, we've one upped the competition and have released the first batch of what AMSOL has proudly dubbed "Monaghan-ators".

These sayings can be purchased in the bookstore starting Monday in the form of Ensure mugs and palm tree ornaments. Donations are also appreciated and can be left in the shoebox clearly marked "OPUS DEI".

_______

1. No matter what they tell you, new fangled internet technology will only hurt you.

2. If you think no one cares, try missing a final exam.

3. If at first you don't succeed, destroy any evidence that you tried. ... Then move to Florida.

4. He who laughs last obviously didn't get the joke. And, boy, was it funny.

5. They only admitted you because they knew you wouldn't come.

6. The quality isn't getting worse, you're just getting pickier.

7. A law school professor is just a lawyer you haven't alienated yet.

8. If ignorance were bliss you'd actually be happy. And transitioning.

9. The best things in life - like hope - are already taken.

10. Dedication + High performance + Accreditation = 0

And last but not least - keep in mind:

11. Things are never so bad that they can't get worse.

/s/ Deus Ex

a quick note on transition

2007-04-18T20:13:00.000-04:00

Many have asked what exactly the process of transition will be like. Well, as of this week we have an excellent example for those pro-transition minds out there:

If your reading this message, then you have Outlook open. Please shut down Outlook, as it will help the restore process execute faster.

We will notify everyone when the email system is back up.

Thank you.

You'll have all the same access to the features of AMSOL, but they will go through a "transition period" where they do not fully function until transition has been complete. Be on the lookout for future transition of other aspects of the law school, most notably faculty and staff. They will go "off line" for a bit, but will resume full and complete operation once re-established, (or replaced) at Ave South.

/s/ Cap'n Crunch

You've Got Questions? He's Got Answers!

2007-04-16T17:59:00.000-04:00

Dean Bernard Dobranski is proud to announce his association with the Real Transition Team. In Phase I of his work with the Team, Dobranski has agreed to post a regular column on the Real Transition Team website. The column, tentatively titled "Bernie's Mailbox," will feature real answer to real questions from you, our faithful readers. Dean Dobranski has made it clear that no subject is taboo, no question is too tough. So, please, dear readers, send your questions to the Real Transition Team at amsoltransitionteam@gmail.com. Bernie's waiting.

Scheduling for Fall Classes Right Around the Corner

2007-04-12T18:02:00.000-04:00

As the spring semester winds down, many around Domin--I mean, Ave have noticed that the registration for the Fall semester has yet to begin. Word from on high has it that this is due solely to the fact that Bernie is hard at work coming up with new classes to ensure that Ave stays atop the Fourth Tier and continues to churn out high-quality, mind-numbed attorneys.

Bernie has reportedly reiterated that this is not due to the fact that we will have no professors at Ave in the Fall and that employees from local pizza parlors will instead be teaching our classes. Sources from inside the Admin Wing have leaked a list of preliminary courses for the Fall:

"The Law and Toast" This three hour course will cover all the topics of toast and the law, including the baking of bread, the toasting of bread, and the all-important question of how to get your toast to land butter-side up if it should fall.

"Alligator Rights" A two hour course in animal rights and the protections surrounding one of Florida's most misunderstood creatures.

"Swamp Reclamation and the Law"This three hour offering is a subset of real estate law and will discuss the legal ramifications of acquiring Florida's most misunderstood land and turning it into a paradise on earth.

"Particle Board: Is it a board or is it particles? The Legal Ramifications" This two hour course will introduce students to the finer points of lumber law and give them a firm understanding in the field.

"Seminar: Jonestown, The Misunderstood City" With special guest instructor Tom Monaghan.

"Unemployment Law" This three hour course will teach potential lawyers the ins and outs of filling out unemployment paperwork, unemployment benefits, and also provide "re-training" in another field to become useful members of society.

SBA Endorsements

2007-04-09T20:29:00.000-04:00

With the Ave Maria SBA elections coming up this week, the Real Transition Team has deemed it appropriate to provide a list of candidates it endorses:

President: Tom Monaghan
Vice President: Thomas Monaghan
Secretary/Treasurer: Thomas S. Monaghan
Senator: Tommy Monaghan

We at the Real Transition Team ask that readers of this blog be sure to spread the word about Mr. Monaghan's generous decision to run for these positions. While it is true that Mr. Monaghan is not a student, and also true that he did not submit the necessary letters stating his intent to run by 5:00 pm on Friday, there is a relatively obscure passage in the mission statement that says that Monaghan, in his capacity as Chairman of the Board, Commander Corkscrew, and Head Minister of the Defense, is allowed to grace the SBA with his presence in any and all official SBA capacities, and that he is not bound by SBA deadlines, rules, or procedures.

Mr. Monaghan decided to run because Peter Ortega, a riotous 2L who is wildly popular among the infidels, was threatening to make a mockery of the school's mission by winning the election for SBA president. Now, Monaghan is confident that the school will retain it's image.

Dobranski: "There is no Falvey Report." In other news, U.S. Government affirmatively denies existance of so-called "Area 51".

2007-04-06T04:09:00.000-04:00

In a recent, exclusive interview conducted by the Real Transition Team, we asked AMSOL Dean and President Bernard Dobranski to comment on his affirmative denial of the existance of a detailed report, compiled by AMSOL professor Joseph Falvey at a recent AMSOL Town Hall meeting.

RTT: "So there's no "Falvey Report"?
BD: "Oh, absolutely. There is no so-called 'Falvey Report.' I mean, there might be a report out there somewhere, you know, written by a guy named Falvey which containes detailed and highly incriminating evidence, but I can't address that now."
RTT: "So any communications released by current professor Joseph Falvey detailing this report would have no bearing on the current situation?"
BD: "I can affirmatively guarantee that we have no individual by the name of 'Joseph Falvey' curently employed by this institution."
RTT: "Can you offer the students a comment on your own statements regarding this report?
BD: "I suppose that really depends on what your definition of "report" is."

The Real Transition Team had no further questions.

(For those still skeptical, the Real Transition Team wishes to allay your fears by reassuring you that this non-existant, so-called "Falvey Report" most certainly cannot be downloaded here).

/s/ Deus Ex

New Emphasis in Athletics at Ave Maria

2007-03-31T14:29:00.000-04:00

In a press conference today, Chancellor, President, Chairman, Athletic Director, Head Trainer, Master of the Buckhounds, and Spiritual Advisor Tom Monaghan announced a new commitment to athletic excellence at Ave Maria, starting with the football program. "We expect to compete for a national championship now, not ten years down the road," Monaghan said.

Monaghan outlined specific details of the plans for the football program's development. Still angry with magician David Copperfield over the displacement of the giant Jesus statue, Monaghan hired rival magician David Blaine to procure a stadium for the new team.

In a related story from South Bend, Indiana, Notre Dame fans were stunned at the disappearance of their beloved Notre Dame Stadium from the scenic campus.

(Before)

(After)

"We're thrilled that our stadium is already completed, and we're excited to get on the field against the best competition in college football, although they won't really be competition for our boys," Monaghan said. Monaghan went on to say that Ave Maria would have games against defending national champion Florida, Florida State, Miami, USC, Nebraska, Texas, Louisville, Tennessee, Wisconsin, Georgia, Virginia Tech, and Notre Dame. The game with Notre Dame will close the season, and is expected to become quite a rivalry. "That will be our toughest game," Monaghan remarked, "we may only win by 7 or 8 touchdowns."

Ave Maria's new helmets were unveiled at the press conference today (pictured below), and Monaghan announced the new school fight song.

Rumors abound regarding coaching prospects for Ave Maria. Monaghan remains tight-lipped, but assures that he is looking at top tier coaching candidates. While the list remains a closely guarded secret, the top candidates would seem to include a crazy old man, a mustachioed one, a native Floridian , one basketball coach, and not one, but two minority candidates. Experts, however, maintain that, despite such a deep and talented pool of candidates, only one man is big enough for the job...

More profound thoughts

2007-03-29T00:58:00.001-04:00

Demotivators Strikes Again

2007-03-28T23:06:00.000-04:00

From the Dean's Desk:

/s/ Deus Ex

Ave Maria School of Law Relocating

2007-03-26T22:50:00.000-04:00

The rumors about relocating Ave Maria School of Law in light of news of a booming real estate market have reached the ears of the Real Transition Team, and in the spirit of full and open communication with the community, we interviewed Dean Bernard Dobranski (who is doing well and thanks you for your prayers on his behalf) for the authoritative answer.

"There are currently no plans to move to the Moon," said Dobranski, the school's dean. "But with that said, we will have to seriously consider it, and we will more likely be doing that sooner, rather than later."

The school's Board of Governors first explored the idea of moving in the first week of March, 2007, when Ave Maria School of Law and Ave Maria University founder Tom Monaghan announced plans to build a town northeast of the Peary crater. At the time, the Board of Governors decided it was not the right time to relocate, but Dobranski said the Board also passed a resolution that stated it would remain open to the suggestion of moving.

And with the town projected to be completed in 2015, the board will have to revisit the topic soon to start the decision process.

But with the school just receiving full accreditation from the American Board Association, the Board has more to consider than just whether students and faculty would prefer life on the Moon.

"For me it's all about what is in the best interest of the law school in the long run," Dobranski said.

In the second week of March, 2007, the school conducted a study to determine whether it would even be feasible to move. And while nothing has been formally said, Dobranski said an updated study could be conducted as soon as this spring or summer.

But Dobranksi said some faculty members and current students have already expressed their opinion on the possibility of a lunar move.

"I think it's very easy to say you'd rather not do something if you don't have all the information," he said. "I think there is a natural reluctance to leave something when things are going well, and things are going surprisingly well right now."

One thing that is going well for the school is the speed in which it received its accreditation. The school received full accreditation from the ABA last August, after five years of lobbying for it.

"It can't be done any faster and the process was relatively trouble free," Dobranski said.

The ABA would need to give Ave Maria School of Law acquiescence before it would be able to relocate to the Moon, Dobranski said. In order for the ABA to give acquiescence, the school must prove it will be properly financed, have a facility that meets the associations standards and that it will still attract students.

But even knowing that, Dobranski said, it's unclear what the process will be like when, or if, the school applies for acquiescence.

"Nothing quite like what we may do has happened before," he said.

One thing is for sure, though: All of the students who currently attend Ave Maria School of Law will graduate from the Florida campus. Dobranski said he told students that a move would not come before fall 2013, which would be the first year it would be feasible to relocate to the Moon.

There's another thing Dobranski said won't be happening if the board decides to relocate the school: Ave Maria School of Law will not become affiliated with Ave Maria Luniversity, at least not immediately.

Currently all three Ave Maria education institutions, the law school, university and Ave Maria College in Ypsilanti, are separate from one another, each with their own board of trustees. Once the new campus is opened, Ave Maria Luniversity will encompass both the university and the college, while the law school remains autonomous.

But Dobranski said, like relocation, becoming affiliated with the university is considered a major change, and one that the ABA may not look fondly upon.

"There is no indication that the ABA would give acquiescence to us if we become affiliated with AMU," Dobranski said.

"We have always envisioned that it could be reasonable down the road, but we will not compromise our autonomy."

Despair Inc. Launches New Ave-Specific Poster

2007-03-26T03:02:00.000-04:00

/s/ Deus Ex

(Image courtesy of AMSOL)

Jesuit Youth Retreat To Be Held At Oratory

2007-03-26T02:10:00.000-04:00

Amongst the many guests attending this event is young Andrew, the self described "breakdancing boy."

"I feel closer to God when I flip that last handstand in front of the altar," says Andrew, age 7. "I'm pretty sure Jesus is watching me. Or at least Mr. Monaghan."

That's right Andrew. He sure is.

Footage of Andrew's amazing spiritual experience can be viewed at the Jesuit Homepage.

/s/ Deus Ex

New tools being employed in the Ave Inquisition

2007-03-26T00:26:00.000-04:00

Not wanting to waste any of the remaining land at Ave North, moral mastermind, supreme dictator, and pizza pontiff Tom Monaghan has made good use of the large ditch that now adorns the south parking lot of the soon to be "not so cool" north campus.

"I want frickin’ sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads" was the word that we at the Real Transition Team were given. And so it was, with an almost "wild west" drawing of his blessed checkbook, there were four such specimens airlifted just today.
"This will really help us in our transition, we can purify the non-believers here, and at the same time our Opus Dei warriors have expressed an interest in doing penance in our newly formed shark pit. It's a win-win situation."

We at the Real Transition Team are ecstatic at the limitless ideas that our founder, financial backer, and architectural consultant Mr. Monaghan has produced. Future plans for "the wastes" along Ave North include a document staging area and a faculty repository.

/s/ Cap'n Crunch

Liturgical Dance Squad Selected: Congregation Eagerly Awaits First “Lambada” Mass

2007-03-25T23:00:00.000-04:00

The annoucement that the Oratory’s Grand Opening ~~Gala~~ Mass would be choreographed by the popular liturgical dance squad, 'Dancing Divas of Club Esqualita' has met with mixed reactions from the (future) citizens of Ave Maria, Florida.

“Let’s be honest,” insists Lou Finknottle of Imolkee, “The Bionic Brothers of Boogie' were so much better. I highly doubt these new 'Dancing Divas of what-have-you' will be able to get ME to boogy down during the sign of peace!

Chauncey Fuch, owner of Fuch IT and Graphic Design was indignant. “I can’t believe our tax dollars are being used to fund such low-budget acts!” he sniffed. “Does anybody even know who these dancers are? I mean, the least our good mayor could do would be to hire someone famous like Mick Jagger. The people deserve that, you know?”

Chauncey’s wife Minerva was unavailable for comment.

Nevertheless, certain individuals remain optimistic. “I’m looking forward to these new liturgical dancers” said Fr. Michael Orsi of Ave Maria School of Law. "I think they’ll bring something, you know, fresh to the Mass scene."

Ave Maria’s mayor Thomas Monaghan continues to reassure citizens that this new transition will be just as smooth as all the others. “You won’t even notice the change,” he promised in a press conference held Thursday. “A number of faculty members of the AMSOL staff have agreed to fly down to Florida to fill in until 'Club Esqualita' can take over.”

Names of volunteering faculty members were kept confidential, but rumors are flying.

“Professor Falvey has the best dance moves,” remarked an anonymous 1L, “but I think they’ll probably go with Frohnen.” Both faculty members declined to comment.

Meanwhile, the opening Mass remains scheduled for May 1st. A full house is expected. Due to projected shortages, ~~audience members~~ Mass attendees are encouraged to bring their own fog machines.

A Worship comment card will be available for those wishing to offer feedback on the event.

/s/ Deus Ex

Holy Roller Casino To Open in Collier County

2007-03-23T13:34:00.000-04:00

In a press release this morning, Chief Iwonabuck of the Collier County Tribe of Seminole Indians announced the construction of a new religious-themed casino just outside of Ave Maria Town. "We're very excited to begin this project," said Iwonabuck, "with the religious rebirth of the Greater Naples area, along with the popularity of gambling among retired persons, we think there will be great interest in the Holy Roller."

Construction on the project is expected to be completed by Spring, 2008, and when completed, will look something like the model shown below.

Once inside, guests will be treated to a fully religious experience. From the poker chips (replicas of communion wafers) to the Blazing 666s slot machines (below),

to the Confessional just off the main casino floor (below), the Seminole tribe has vowed that no detail will be missed.

Although Supreme Overlord Tom Monaghan and Chief Yes-Man and Dean Bernie Dobranski were unavailable for comment due to complications with the ABA investigation, Associate Dean Milhizer claimed that "the infidel swines will not succeed in their efforts to thwart our Lord's master plan. Are you going to eat that last donut?"

In spite of the protests of Ave Maria officials, Chief Iwonabuck is already planning for the rush from nearby retirement communities. "We've bought extra oxygen tanks and everything, " he said. "And the retirement communities are already planning shuttles for every 10 minutes. We're just ecstatic."

The Holy Roller will also feature a song and dance show with an Inquisition theme. Shows are already sold out through 2015, but Iwonabuck insists that aggressive play at the tables will result in comps, including the highly sought after tickets.

So make your plans, Florida residents, because the Holy Roller is headed your way!

New Advertisement Campaign Launched

2007-03-19T21:45:00.000-04:00

With plenty of good space still available in Ave Town, our beloved Supreme Chancellor, Tom Monaghan, has taken the unprecented step of selling real estate himself. Below is a new advertisement to be placed in Naples area newspapers and real estate journals in the next week. Here's hoping that Lord Monaghan's efforts will result in even greater success for Ave Town!

And the slogan? "Your Source for Ave Town Iniums. Monaghan Iniums: We take the 'Condom' out of Condominiums!"

Announcement: Real Transition Team To Transition Into New Blog Design

2007-03-19T20:11:00.000-04:00

Well, hello there.

This is your friendly, neighborhood, anonymous IT staff here to ensure that The Real Transition Team is going to experience a Blogger cosmetic change as easy as, well....moving to Florida.

In lieu of appointing a comittee to take down individual responses to this change, The Real Transition Team has decided, in a moment of dictatorial brilliance, to simply change the layout. Its that simple. And, as always, opinions and commments are welcomed, but only the favorable ones will be acknowledged. We are, after all, a product of AMSOL ingenuity.

That said, take a deep breath, enjoy browsing and keep your cursor on the "Refresh" button. We're working on it. I promise.

/s/ Deus Ex: Invisible IT

NOBODY expects an Ave Inquisition!!!

2007-03-18T17:52:00.000-04:00

Just a friendly word of warning from the Transition Team. It has come to Our attention that, in spite of the glorious decree of the Almighty Monaghan, there remain a small group of people in the Ave community who resist the move to scenic Immokalee. To those dissenters, be warned: Nobody expects the Ave Inquisition, and it can be upon you faster than you could ever imagine.

Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms!

Replacement Faculty

2007-03-17T17:10:00.000-04:00

The matter of exactly how AMSOL faculty will be either moved, or replaced during this all important time of transition has not been overlooked by the real transition team. While certain faculty members do not wish to hop onto the good ship octogenarian III and travel south, said faculty are in the process of being replaced. It is our fervent hope, as a dedicated and energetic real transition team that these faculty replacements will be every bit as educated, dignified, and published as the real thing.

We are pleased to announce the replacement for Ann Arbor AMSOL’s own professor Safranek, who, by some loathsome combination of reason and dedication to his students has expressed an unwillingness to hop embrace Mr. Monogram’s ideal of Ole Imokalee. His replacement, pictured below from a lecture given to 1L’s on how to balance their workload, comes with a great list of credentials; he specializes in distance learning and thus can be made simultaneously available to the remaining students at Ave North. In his interview he expressed a great interest in molding young minds, and has promised to use his intellectual prowess to be the best replacement possible for the dissident professor.

We are very well convinced that his penchant for bowties and engaging demeanor will provide a lasting and complete substitution for Professor Safranek, who, notwithstanding his pivotal role in establishing the Ave of yore, has failed recognize the Divine Right of Tom Monoghan. Mr Herman however, was more than willing to fall down onto bended knee and kiss the Sacred Noid Ring in a sign of filial devotion. As a commemoration of his loyalty, he will soon bear The Mark (a fairly painless brand on the back of the neck shaped like a pepperoni Pizza) when inducted into Ave South faculty, and forever swear allegiance to Mr. Monoghan, and his faithful steward, Bernie. So fear not beloved students, despite faculty unwillingness to move, replacements are already being sought out, trained and installed.

/s/ Cap'n Crunch

New Minister of Propaganda Appointed

2007-03-16T16:07:00.000-04:00

Ave Maria will have a new Minister of Propaganda, says Supreme Dictator Tom Monaghan. After a search that lasted "for months, much longer than I'd anticipated," Monaghan appointed none other than Channel 4 News Anchor Ron Burgundy to the post. Burgundy, pictured below, is quite a catch for the law school.

"He's assured me that he's kind of a big deal, and that he has many leatherbound books," quipped a giddy Monaghan. Burgundy will also prove a valuable addition to the Opus Dei Ninjas, given his high level of accomplishment in street fights, and his impeccable sense of style.

Burgundy refused to comment on the rumor that Brick Tamland would be appointed as "Special Advisor" to Dean Dobranski, citing a particular need for confidentiality in that area.

Changes Coming to the Opus Dei Ninjas

2007-03-16T15:32:00.000-04:00

In an inspired speech today, Father Orsi discussed plans to update and modernize the uniforms of the famed Opus Dei Ninjas. Given the change in climate and surroundings, Orsi said, the Ninjas would have to sport new attire, designed to blend in with the rest of the population.

Above is the traditional working uniform of the Opus Dei Ninja. While great in the north, such attire, it would seem, is hardly practical in sunny Florida. Below is the old ceremonial garb of the Opus Dei Ninjas. Worn only on special occasions, such as Holy Days of Obligation and the Ave Prom, this uniform, too, will be retired once the squad permanently relocates to Florida.

The Image below is the new uniform for the Opus Dei Ninjas, as modeled by incoming 1Ls Mildred Kamensky, Arthur Gold, and Jim Curry.

So keep an eye out for the Ninjas in their new, inconspicuous uniform.

By Popular Demand...

2007-03-15T15:14:00.000-04:00

Questions have been posed regarding the location of the infamous Winnebago O' Porn. Below is an image of Ave Town, complete with the approximate future location of the Winnebago. The Winnebago will provide students, administrators, staff members and other residents with a much need "release" from the rigors of life in Ave Town.

New Statue Announced

2007-03-15T14:55:00.000-04:00

In celebration of the glorious decision to move to Florida, the Transition Team has learned of plans to create a new statue, to be located across the Plaza de Pizza from the oratory.

As you can see, the subject will be none other than Benevolent Dictator/Demigod Tom Monaghan. Some may fail to recognize our great leader, because he wished to be portrayed unmasked, without makeup, and in his true form. Work on the statue should be finished by the time the law school relocates in "2009."

Future plans, though not yet approved by the Board of Governors, include the creation of a statue to honor the school's first dean, Bernie Dobranski, as well. Below is an artist's rendition of what such a statue might look like.

Opportunity

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No, it's not just a clever catch phrase to which the Administration is boldly clinging. The Transition Team has noted, even in these early stages, that the move to Naples will make Spring Break travel significantly easier. The proximity to beaches, theme parks and other famous attractions will undoubtedly make the school more attractive to America's top legal scholars.

In keeping with this spirit, the Transition Team has come into possession of some highly classified photos, soon to be included in mass mailings to prospective students. Remember, you saw it here first, folks!